Asshole shortage threatens world peace, President bush ready to be a bigger asshole 10th anniversary of princess diana shagging a muslim then dying mysteriously Permafrost melts in siberia and alaska forest fires rage in greece car sales rise in China Hello complacent masses, im sick and tired here are tonights headlies

Everything is great and protest in unneccessary say unelected owners of the world Shops are open now and Shopping is fun say money printing rulers of the world We are the goodies and they are the baddies say beingn rulers of earth

Iraq + Afghanistan slaughter bonus Taleban Al kaida fantasy continues Chinese olympic torch route stamping in the face of freedom In the Uk blairs power handover Europe to rules british peasants

CIA documents reveal lying murdering past and secret experiments on our minds - whirr click holocaust in palestine bbc journalist Alan johnstone must be released to file a posh sounding news reports In the UK tony blair not arrested for war crimes as gordon brown becomes PM of the ununited kingdom

America celebrates independence day with debt slavery and fascist military rule Fantastic success of troop surge in Iraq Not as many insignificant iraqi civilians die In the UK rubbish fake terrorist attack by not very good rubbish fake terrorists

There is no God says church of illuminated astronomy Billions duped by fraud for thousands of years Mass slaughter of humanity coming soon central banks to rule survivors with new fake god Queen of england descended from lizards just like the rest of humanity. wlecome to the fukin news im tempting fate, here are the headlies tonight

suicide bomber virus kills 11 in pakistan but who cares about more dead brown people anyway Stocks and shares tumble on world markets bankers laff and rubb their hands in glee In the UK flood crisis obliterates international news coverage as many people get really wet with water welcome to the fuckin news Im tough but fair here are the headlies tonight

Jews and Communists er I mean Beards and moustachists conspire to rule the World. Afterlife is fucking up the planet Heaven to blame for global warming

190,000 machine guns not missing in Iraq theyr just differently located says the Pentagon world Computer simulation helps predict angry mobs and where to shoot them from In the UK blogging banned for defence staff and troops secrecy is secretly neccessary for our secret secrets welcome to the fukin news im more than enough here are the headlies tonight

Brain washed Stupid fuckers who believe anything Ready to kill for their rich fascist puppet masters American ploticians renounce Darwinian evolution and embrace mumbo jumbo voodo magic In the UK 6 of Gordon Browns cabinet confess we smoked pot but we didnt enjoy it ,so its ok

Fake economy mindfuck continues with record profits and massive losses fake war on terror conviction for fake terror acts that never took place Fake global warming protests at heathrow fail to stop mass extinctions on earth Welcome to the fukin news , im freshly baked here are the headlies tonight

Theplanets fucked its your fault and its getting worse no action required to maintain these circumstances President Bush derides conspiracy theories over Secret Tri-nattion Jelly bean streamlining summit In the UK British troops claim Iraqi war is unwinnable and were the ones to proudly not win it for the queen Hello complacent masses, welcome to the fukin news Im deep fried here are tonights headlies